Rob’s Blog

It’s amazing what a week can do in a person’s life.

As I’m sitting here waiting for my iPhone to back itself up so I can jailbreak it, I’m going to write my blog.

Per my previous blog it was understood that I got rejected. It hurt, but a few nights with my friends and things started looking up again. Went out to Lobby on Wednesday. A buddy of mine was doing some work there and I just kinda tagged along for some entertainment. This place was packed full of old guys and young women. Seems like at this point in my life, the clubs I always end up going to are much more mature and more exclusive. Not sure when or how it happened, but I upgraded my club status to something of a bit of a yuppie.

Went to another club on Thursday with another friend. Here I ended up seeing this girl I hadn’t seen in like 3 or 4 years. She was this bartender at another club and I thought she was absolutely stunning. So I told her this. I walked up to the bar and said “You’re the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen”. It was the truth so I didn’t have a problem saying it. I also didn’t have a problem saying it because chances are I’d never see this woman again in my life and if I didn’t give it a shot, I’d be kicking myself forever. Turns out I got another shot at it. I’m out on the patio and who do I see behind the bar at this other club? The girl! I recognized her after all these years and she was still as stunning as I thought the first time I saw her. So, I went up to her again (after confirming she was the same girl) and said “I know I said this before, but you’re *still* the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen. I got a hug, her name, and some shots. Not too bad for a guy that was rejected earlier in the week.

On Saturday, I was shooting a wedding video, and much to my shock, a girl at the wedding was interested in me. After shooting close to 20 weddings this year, I have never had a guest interested in me. I kind of always figured it was because I was really the hired help who was just trying to do his job. She asked me to dance, and then we sat and talked. She was really cute. It was funny because she was so nervous to be talking to me and she kept playing with her hair and doing all these figity things that you know people do when they’re nervous.

Sunday night, I watched Nick and Norah’s Infinite playlist. This movie had perfect timing in my life. It was about two young people who both had these attachments to people in their lives that were really bad for them. They found each other, who were good for each other but each of them almost screws it up because they’re still hung up on the people that aren’t into them. Its very important to move on in life because you never seem to know what’s going to be around the corner. You can’t let yourself get hung up on things that are bad for you because you just might miss out on the good then.

Now I am tired and my iPhone is almost jailbroken.

I bid you goodnight.

Long and tiring day. I tend not to have days that are as emotionally draining as today. Fortunately I’m surrounded by people that slowly picked away at my emo-ness and managed to pull me out of it. I’m terribly lucky and grateful to be in that situation. When my friends band together, they can really make my day that much better.

The conservatives wasted a tonne of money on today’s election. Another minority governement basically means the election was pointless. Forget mandates and a few months to get away without votes of non-confidence, by calling the election so early, they completely screwed themselves for the future. Justin Trudeau was elected in his riding, a powerful name in Canadian politics, the liberals managed to fend off another Conservative majority with the help of the NDP. The Tories are losing the confidence of Canadians with their inability to achieve a majority. Giving the liberals time to re-group and the NDP further strength in the house is not good for the Conservatives. They should have held out longer, let the Liberals dig themselves a slightly deeper hole, then pounce.

Regardless, I voted Green Party because I very much dislike  the Liberal representative in my riding. I figured giving them some more popular vote does something to help build their party for future campaigns. I greatly believe in many of the Green Party’s ideals and find their platform makes sense in sustainability of our country in all aspects: economy, health care, environment, education. They’re still lacking development though enough to be able to form a government. Hopefully after a few more years they’ll get a member of parliament elected and slowly evolve into a party that could be very good for Canada and Canadians.

So that’s it for my political rant. I’m tired now. Time for sleep/bed/dreams.

So, after generally having a really good week, it decided to take a sharp nosedive as deep as the stock market. Finally had some time to relax, get a little self-reflective when something really disappointing happened. It’s not the goal of this blog to go into too much detail about my life or incriminate me in too many ways, so I’m going avoid getting into the gory details.

What this has basically done to me though is once again shatter my confidence and pretty much make me feel like crap. There’s really no easy way to take rejection especially when your optimism and hope was so high. It becomes a huge disappointment that makes you feel like you’ve just got punched in the stomach. Sadly, there’s nothing you can do about this. I’m the type of guy that generally works pretty hard at things to make sure he gets them. There’s very few things in life I haven’t been able to get good enough at or figure out sufficiently to make what I want happen out of them. When I first started web developing for example I would sit there hour after hour endlessly figuring out how to get what I want to happen out of code. When I wanted to learn how to play the guitar (while I’m still not that great at it) I sat and basically figured out how to make it do what I wanted it to do. In both of these cases, I’ve managed to get far enough along with them to get what I want out of them.

Relationships, however, are something that no matter what I do or how much I try to figure them out, I still can never get what I want out of them. They remain forever elusive to me. Saying this does not mean I want *any* relationship. I refuse to settle for something I don’t really want. I’ve seen too many failed relationships and trouble in relationships to want to put myself through things like that. I know exactly what I want, but I guess that’s part of the problem. Every time I feel like I’ve come close to finding what it is I’m looking for, it just so turns out, I’m not what *they’re* looking for. My friends always tell me that its not me and that I’m a great guy who will eventually end up with the right girl, but that’s what friends are supposed to do right? It doesn’t help me with my dilemma.

I’ve always been pretty good at finding my own faults and positives, but it seems I’m still missing something about myself that the types of girls I’m interested in pick up on and lose interest. I would really like to know what exactly those things are so maybe I can figure something out. Bullocks to the whole “You can’t figure it out, some people just aren’t going to like you”. You can figure out anything

So, this being said, I feel defeated in my ability to figure this out. I still think it can still be figured out, I just don’t know where to start at the moment. I have tried everything under the sun and none of it works. More often than not I turn out to be a “Nice guy” but not what the person is looking for romantically. That might be a good place to start. What is it that I’m doing that immediately makes me come across as strict ‘Friend’ material? Am I ugly? Not charismatic enough? Not funny enough? All these things run through my head and I can’t pinpoint exactly where it lies. I’ve even tried getting feedback from these failed attempts and every answer is more vague than the ones I come up with in my head.

Optimism is a really hard thing to maintain when you’re disappointed so frequently with the very few opportunities you’re presented with. It’s like making it to the qualifiers in the Olympics every 4 years and just not quite making the competition and having to wait another 4 years to get another chance. Each time the defeat is just crushing because you know it’s going to be another 4 years until the next chance. How is someone supposed to stay optimistic through this? Are the Olympics too high of a goal? Is finding someone who meets your standards and likes you back too high of a goal? I’ve been told over and over by people to lower my standards if I’m so unhappy and want to be with someone. That’s completely missing the point though. I’m not disappointed by a lack of relationship. I’m disappointed with the lack of relationship with someone I actually want to be in a relationship with.

Bah at this point I’m so tired and drained from self-reflection I just need to get some bed. All this bullshit is turning me more and more cynical. Sometimes I wonder if those guys that are users, assholes, jerks, and all those other things women go for is what I should become if I want a real chance in this stupid game…

Hmmm after noticing that a friend of mine was able to keep a pretty extensive journal of things, I decided to come back and revisit my blog here. It’s been ages, but I’ve been terribly busy and just don’t have time to breath it feels like. After completing a ridiculously complicated website that could be worth a lot to our company, I finally have a weekend where I don’t have to think about it anymore. It feels good for once. On the downside though, I’ve been working at Cineplex ALL weekend. Good for extra money, but sucks that life just won’t cut me some slack and give me a break.

So this past weekend was Turkey weekend. Which was good for me, I had the chance to spend some time with family. I’ve hardly even seen my mom in the past 3 weeks. Also, people are telling me I seem to have lost weight which is never a good thing. I really think I’ve just been pushing myself at work too hard lately. This weekend was full of amazing meals though, big steak on Thursday, big steak on Saturday, then Turkey dinner on Sunday.

Final thought of the night because I want to save some content for future days (I really hope I can stick to doing this regularly this time):

Is it worth being nervous about things that are completely out of your control? hmmm…

This week has been a particularly whirlwind and surprising week for me. Having started the week on a rough note with a 40 stretch of non-stop working, I hit a pretty deep and frustrating low. Fortunately for me, I was pleasantly surprised by a few things a certain individual did.

To set the stage, I was probably in one of the most miserable moods I have been in for a long time. It was best to avoid me and probably stay out of my way. With a sinus infection, tonnes of work, little sleep, and intense frustration over everything, I was probably brewing one hell of a nervous breakdown. Fortunately, I was able to plow through it without blowing up at anyone or anything and now I’m fine. The basic rule is: Avoid me when I’m completely at my wit’s end, otherwise all of my truth, honesty, and cruelty will come out. Never a fun scene.

For some reason, in my life, I have had very few people want to take an initiative to help me, make me feel better, or just make my life easier. This is not to say that I haven’t had people who’ve loved and supported me in my life, it’s just in the instances I’ve had this support, it has been asked for or been required. This is excluding my parental units who have done this for me my whole life selflessly (parents don’t count, I expect that they are as amazing and great as they are). This was by an individual that had no vested interest in cheering me up or doing anything for me, other than it making them feel good to do it. For one, this gives me a little more hope to the human race, and really makes me appreciate this individual a great deal more.

Another such surprise in this whole situation has been finding someone who actually thinks my workaholic and hectic lifestyle is actually a positive quality. She told me that she actually finds it attractive. Now, considering I have only suffered grief, hassle, guilt, headaches, stress, and break-ups in my past relationships from being such a workaholic, this is one of the nicest things someone could say to me. Not that I needed it, but it makes me feel like the hard work I do and all the stress I put myself through is actually worth it. That someone other than myself can see it as being a good thing in life instead of negative.

I like to think I manage a good balance of work and fun. I still manage to see all of my friends on a regular basis and let loose. Going out to nightclubs and parties still happens, even if it means a little loss of sleep. None of my friends have ever truly been abandoned by me. No matter how busy I am, I still make *some* kind of time to see them.

So, apparently I am some sort of a workaholic. It is 12:10 AM and I am sitting at the office trying to make sure a project gets done by it’s deadline. While this time I haven’t left everything to the last minute, it still comes to the point where I have to work ridiculous hours to make sure something gets done. It appears this kind of pressure is the only way I can really work efficiently.

Why do some people require a large amount of stress and pressure before they perform while others are capable of scheduling out, maintaining a strong work ethic, and completing a goal in a very methodical and relaxed fashion?

On another note. It seems to me that women are indeed a strange breed. I seem to get attention from some, while others outright ignore me. I have yet to figure out how this works.

I have been watching the facebook profile of a girl that once had interest in me and then disappeared. A pattern of behaviour that tends to happen to me often. I have noticed that since November of 2008, this girl has gone through roughly 3 or 4 guys. These guys appear in all of her pictures at various events and integrate themselves heavily with this girl’s existing social circle. They have multiple posts on her wall and display what I can only assume is infatuation with this girl. Then without warning, these guys disappear from her wall and no longer appear in any pictures. The next week, some new guy will enter the picture and the cycle will begin all over again.

This kind of existence does not seem healthy nor does it give me hope or faith in the female gender.

Sadly I myself have gotten to the point where I believe that my standards for a significant other are so high that they will remain permanently unattainable. I rarely meet other individuals that I feel are on the same level as me let alone a member of the opposite sex that happens to be interested in me as well.

This indeed sounds very bitter, but I would stupid not to listen to my thoughts when I have noticed a pattern of behaviour that is both hurtful towards others and generally careless towards the feelings of other human beings.

I would like to take this moment to tell women out there that might be reading this blog that you should smarten up and stop always thinking about yourselves. Take a few seconds and actually peer outwards towards reality and take an objective picture of it. You will see that there are men out there that have feelings, hopes, dreams, and insecurities as well. So the next time you think that a guy is being jealous of you or over protective, try thinking about why he might be acting that way. Chances are it’s not because he thinks you’re a slut, but more likely that he thinks you can do better and will eventually find something better for yourselves than him. If you really care about the guy it might be worthwhile to get to the root of this issue and discuss it with him. If you really don’t care that much and are in fact looking for something better, perhaps you should respect and consider his feelings and just break it off. It’s worse to string a guy along and use him only to break his heart and pride later when you run off with some other guy you think is better. It’ll be worth it in the long run for both you and him.